SO VERY VERY TIRED

Well I haent got it all figured out. There is not one place that I know I must go there currently is a plight of obligation and the plight of personal pleasure and personal confidence, there is no real symbol when it comes to be a non normal guy. The mentor said that I was good looking and charming, which addording strength, the invitation.

Revelation of ones soul is the misinterpretation of ones lies

Its funny that I can fall in love with someone, and not want them to know. It is my secret and it shall be my punishment and my ecstasy. I feel recently freed from any obligation, the streak of bad luck not even making me flinch. I feel free knowing that I have once again fallen in love. However, before when I felt that only physical needds drove me, I have come to realize that I have just fallen in love with a personality that by all logic should not exist. The smile is something that I can not escape and the tone of irony is my reward. However short i shall enjoy the time I ask that I neot be taxed to heavily when it is time to part ways. Happiness is always just out reach for me, its part of the road to finding my own way and my own road that no one else has carved. I know that everytime that I find the fleeting moment that is happiness, I trip and fall. The fall is my way of remembering that happiness is always out of my reach. And I will always be trying to find her, and will just one day find someone else.

Realizaton of the Dreams

Since the entry that I posted Yesterday Morning I have been in and out of a dream state. The dreams that I have do nothing more than indulge fantasies and wishes. These indulgences as they are formed in one's mind incorporate the many elements of the conscience and subconscience mind. There sometimes are satisfactions and incorporations of people that we desire. These are probably the worst due to the horrendous possibility of what may happen.


There is nothing left to do or think of in this world without suggesting that one is not happy.

Earning My Wings

Minus the the rational thought that we so proudly wear. Minus the material possesions that we hold so dear. There is something in the soul that has no explanation. Many have attempted to explain it and remove it by force. This thing that we have is a desire to have a purpose. There appears to be a purpose for all of us, not a preordain purpose that some would exploit for personal gain but a purpose that we can not escape. Some of us chose to be victims, others chose to be the heroes, other attempt to be the villians and still others seek other archtype templates that are not predetermined but more likely asumed as we move through the perception of reality.

I am convinced that my role in life is to be the reluctant-savior/hero. I share this because I have met enough people and interacted with many people to start to see that people to turn to me for leadership or aide or compassion, at first I will often neglect what is asked of me by others. Only after seeing the pain that a person goes through do I decide to intervene. I also see the need to place myself in proximity with people who are gouing through a difficult period. I sometimes feel that I am a nexus point of strife and difficulty. Only through hind sight do I see that people search me out, to force their misery upon me and hopefully to feel better about themselves. This exchange of misery in fact keeps me in check by giving me a fake sense of purpose.


The reluctance that keeps me from being always in the melee is that I have seen some horrible sights in my life. A few have been shared by my friends but I believe that I have seen the brunt them. Sometimes I feel that I am trying to earn my wings. That if I do enough and if I help enough people, I will go to heaven. Oddly enough I do not believe in a heaven for the reason that many do. The reason of paradise and happiness, I see that the existance of heaven and the existance of a hell will only give me a greater purpose to face the demons that so many people have to face everyday.

There may be some common sense in what I wrote this morning, but I do not believe that I can find enough purpose in the world besides the acquistion of goods. The Sun is rising another day looms in the horizon and another day to make a difference.

Meh.....

I am so lost that I do not believe that I can ever find myself. The truth of the matter is that I am lost and that I have no idea why I can not be honest with myself. I am desperately searching for a truth that is half hidden and always out of reach. There is no way to figure it out. I do not want to know what I need to be part of the society that nurtures ignorance for the few minutes of its sputtering existance.

There is no clue to how to live one's life. There is no way to find the clue to live ones life. People lose themselves in mundane-meaningless world that has no value besides that which was forced upon us by the indoctrination of the scoiety in which we live. The things that we do we do not for our perserverence we act out in the name of greed and lust. I do not know if there are many who can see the picture in the spectrum of disgust that I feel.

I am feeling so lost, and without hope. I said before that hope is a perversion that is used by the mind to corrupt the reality of a moment to come or a moment that has passed. There is no way to fix things now. The world is slowly cracking. The faults have been forming for quite a long time, the faults have been forming on what it is meant to be human. People do not care about others anymore. We are always scared but are always lulled by the opiates of out society. Liquor, coffee, tobacco, food, we are force fed these to make us docile. The opiates that keep us from achieving greatness.