A last minute event.

The other day I heard a song that I had heard several months earlier. The song is named "the good left undone" by Rise Against. There is a line in the lyrics that has burned through all the haze of the last two years and reminded me why I did what I did.

Returned this flower to the dirt
So it could live,
I walked away now
but I know
Not a day goes
when I dont feel this burn.

The haze has cleared and after swallowing the pride that I could not, it became very clear.

When I realized what I had, I realized that I had to let her go. I realized that the fear that I had was not that she did not love me as much as I did her. I would later find out that she loved me much more than she would let me know. The fear was that I could not keep her, I would eventually lose that feeling that made me feel so alive.

Her answer was that I should not rush things. That things were good as they were. She could not give me what I asked for. She wanted time.

Time is what I have never had.

So my response was clear, I would preemptively hurt her. I would make her hate me so much that I would hate her back in return.

I told her that I did not want to see her ever again. Since she would not give me a definate answer, that was my excuse.

Several days laters a week later in fact, she called me asking to talk about us. I told her that she meant nothing to me. On that day I lied to her, I lied to myself.

If that says something about the world in which I live, a world that I am willing to lie to myself.

I have since tried to patch things up, but I do not believe that anyone cares. Not her not me. If she ever accepts my apology, it will destroy the drive that I have created in her absence.

I will be lost without my hurt, my hate, and my focus.

I hate myself for hating her so much. I hate the love that still lingers in my memories.

If things were only as easy as they were in the movies.