A last minute event.

The other day I heard a song that I had heard several months earlier. The song is named "the good left undone" by Rise Against. There is a line in the lyrics that has burned through all the haze of the last two years and reminded me why I did what I did.

Returned this flower to the dirt
So it could live,
I walked away now
but I know
Not a day goes
when I dont feel this burn.

The haze has cleared and after swallowing the pride that I could not, it became very clear.

When I realized what I had, I realized that I had to let her go. I realized that the fear that I had was not that she did not love me as much as I did her. I would later find out that she loved me much more than she would let me know. The fear was that I could not keep her, I would eventually lose that feeling that made me feel so alive.

Her answer was that I should not rush things. That things were good as they were. She could not give me what I asked for. She wanted time.

Time is what I have never had.

So my response was clear, I would preemptively hurt her. I would make her hate me so much that I would hate her back in return.

I told her that I did not want to see her ever again. Since she would not give me a definate answer, that was my excuse.

Several days laters a week later in fact, she called me asking to talk about us. I told her that she meant nothing to me. On that day I lied to her, I lied to myself.

If that says something about the world in which I live, a world that I am willing to lie to myself.

I have since tried to patch things up, but I do not believe that anyone cares. Not her not me. If she ever accepts my apology, it will destroy the drive that I have created in her absence.

I will be lost without my hurt, my hate, and my focus.

I hate myself for hating her so much. I hate the love that still lingers in my memories.

If things were only as easy as they were in the movies.

Morality is falling apart, as the world moves more towards progress. There are certain elements that have prevented us from accepting a uniform system of morals and ethics. In the post national world that finds that the people that were once under the spell of nationalism. The people who have awaken from the nationalism have found the world that was promised to their ancestors is no where to be found. The crafted lies of national mythologies. The sputtering of the world and those who live in it whom constantly repeat the propoganda lies of the leviathans that Hobbs spoke of. If you ask any American how long this country has been a democracy they would claim that it has been a country of democracy and freedom for the last 200 plus years. They always of course neglect to say that the only people who could vote were the wealthy property owners, this was do because the founding fathers always feared the power of the masses. Until sometime in the last 50 years did this country truly become a nation which could resemeble a democracy.

Observsation

Someone once said that the enviroment that you live in is dictated by the language that you use to describe that world. I have come to a conclusion in a series of questions that I have used throughout my life. The conclusion is that there is something wrong within the world that we live in. However, the question leads me two to different answers. The world is wrong and that there is nothing that you can do about it and just live with it. The other is that the world is wrong and it is up to you to slap the people out of their slumber. Now the process of both paths leads to the evils that are conjured by man. What is the answer? Let the system exist for the man or let the man exist for the system. Fix the whole problem or let it corrode.

demise

The band of friends who stood against all began to loose their friendship. They had reached the limits of the sky and they had fought the fears that kept other mortals bound to the Earth. The lack of restraint the freedom to not fear the freedom that no one had ever achieved was their prize. With all things mortal and all things that humans touch it became corrupt and began to fade away. There was nothing that they could do against the elements of the human mind. The friendship faltering and sputtering like an engine as it runs out of fuel. The last sputters before the quiet gave them one last moment of clarity. They no longer dreamed to achieve something monuemental something that most humans never dare to dream. There was nothing that anyone could do. What they had loss during their lives was the inspiration to not be still to go against the grain. The Mother Spirit knew of their accomplishments and rewarded them, but now as they had returned to the land where mortals become corrupt and vengeful. Spite had returned to the friends potential. During this time the Mother shunned her children as she shunned the others who only live as parasites.


The return to being human is one where our own nature contradicts with the people around us. The intolerance of the and fear is what makes us human. When we dream away from the possible and the ideas that can not be contained on powerpoint and cardboards is when we can accomplish something that our Mother can be proud of.




Holy shit i was able to write something, I have been facing a writers block for the last two months and now I am hopefully allieaviated from the block. I have had many ideas and many short stories playing in my head hopefully i can write them down.

There comes a time in everyone's life where they have questioned themselves and all that they believe. That time is usually accompanied by a series of events that lead the individual to the dilema. I have questioned myself for a while to want to be sure that what i believe is worth the self sacrifice. Then I remember that the self sacrifice of the situation is not as bad as I want people to believe it is, is is selfishness or is it the irony that everyone cares about thesmselves first then everyone else after. I have a gaping hole in my heart and my soul, it has been here for a lng time that i do ntoknow how to fill it in. Booze and comedy and education hasve been my answer to it but I am

Advice

been out of writing for a bit, internalizing the universe and all



To Jill:

My words of advise...

though you walk alone and may feel betrayed by the people who claimed were looking for your best interest, never look back, never ask what if. Walk with those who have never left you, look to your right and look to your left, take comfort in them but do not become too dependent on them, never dare to look back at a moment, place, or time . Never look back because the instant that you look back you are actually asking yourself, "if I had done something different would i still be the same person?" in reality if you had done things differently you would in fact be a different person looking back asking yourself another what if question; always questioning yourself. People do not make the wrong choices, because when you realize that you made the wrong choice, and you have nothing left as an option, be at ease because it wasnt you who made the choice, it was your heart that lead you to where you are.


Now if i could only take my own advice, damn those pills.

Smiling playfuly and dumbly was her thing
no one could smile more in such a short time
than she could, the squealed laughs cute as a bee
innocent and loving her only way compassion
no better person to nuture you than she
speckled greened gems stared at the dirty ugly stones
happiness is a fleeting moment when it comes
to someone who is cursed to always be moving
happiness is something that is not for everyone
appologized the little rabit
selfishness and greed can not hold on forever
sometimes its just best to let go though cold
it is what sometimes you need to stop and look
and find yourself again
you ll always bee in my heart but i want you to live
go now and look at the mirror and see that you never
changed, i changed.

Okay You Fucks

I know you fucks read this shit, I have the counter going. So how about a little feedback, maybe just tell me I suck ass or something.

Anyways, I have been working on a few things in my head and my journal. I will probably post tonight or tommorrow but for right now we should all get drunk yah.