mems

These are some old post from last year

Friday, July 09, 2004
I have fallen from my feet again, always trying to get a running start. That is me. If you jump off running at full speed you will be okay. The scrapes and cuts dont really hurt. When you get hurt you don't care right away. You sometimes laugh and you are forced to acknowledge that you are hurt so that healing may begin. Never accepting an injury always wanting to disprove people who say I am too small or too stupid. I am always the underdog. I have forgotten that. The sensation of knowing that people are cheering against you because I am the the underdog in life. My father after a furious beating told me, "Dog eat dog world". I never believed my father I had the need to opose him in everything he ever said or did. Thats the center of my mantra. Not knowing what it is I am looking for, always defying those who would have me fail thats the fire that burns in my eyes and my heart. For a while the fire was quelled and dimmed. Currently there has been fire relit in my heart and eyes. I know what I need to do to keep the shadows and the wolves out of my head. I need to defy someone. I need to prove to them that they are wrong and that I am more capable of anything that they imagine. I am trail blazing I am wanting to kow everything bout everything. I take the first step in my new journey today. By doing so I leave the life of the the what ifs and I enter the world of reaction and instinct. I no longer have time to think, act and your instincts will gurantee you nothing its whats in your heart that will get me therre.


Thursday, July 08, 2004
Hearing the breaths of someone you are embracing is quite possibly one of the most relaxing and comforting thing that humans can do. The warmth of their skin pressed against your own, your body attempting to absorb their heat while their body does the same. The beats of their heart moving rythmically through your body, as if their heart was reaching out to your heart. Communicating in a way that beyond our understanding. It is best that it stay away from our understanding. Every part of you loves the embrace. Then it leaves, the comforting arms release you from the embrace. You are left alone and are no longer safe from the tigers and the song birds. You are left alone. They are gone, and your bodies long to be together, perhaps another day but not now.

Obligation to nature keeps us in check. We are born breathing, screaming asking for attention, so that we may survive. We are obligated to grow up, have sex, care for offspring and then die. That is our animal instinct that has kept us going for however many years we have been around for. I want no part of that, I never have and I don't think I ever will. In everyone's mind there is a little piece of alternate personality that never formed or was retarded due to some extended circumstance.
This nature character has us locked down. Nature has set into us Fear, anger, happiness, love, saddness for a reason. Fear is set into us to make sure that we can survive. Being chased by a dragon well run and hide and live another day. Some people in their search for eternal life are willing to let fear rule their lives. All I have to say to those people is , they dont live a day of their lives. Anger was set into us to defend ourselves. When we dont like to hear something or be hurt physically we get angry so that we may fight back. Happiness is the biggest illusion that nature programmed into us, basically being happiness is our way of saying that we have eaten enough, and slept enough not to be groggy. I am not going to continue with this, I want not part of this, I will live my life as free as I can possibly due. Though I am currently chained more than ever, when I finally get out of the military. I will be truly free.

I dont want to live forever, I dont want to be rich, I dont want to be eternally bound to someone that is just meant to help me spread my genes. Even then if I do get a kid going I might be cheated because that is not a guarantee that my genes will be passed on. Sucks.

Sunday, July 04, 2004
Philosophies that make me who I am.
No one can tell or should tell someone else to do something against their will.
Be detached from all things, only then when they fade away will you be able to live without hurt.
Fight for all things that your heart tells you are worthy of your efforts.
Love is the one emotion that can both destroy and create.
Love should not be labeled. You either love someone or you want to own them. Express love without using the labels.
Love is more than physical.
One man's fight is another woman's game.
Tears are both sign of hurt and sign of recovery.
Dont fight the water, let the water flow through your fingures.
Communication is gods most important gifts.
The great spirit does not want wars fought in its name it wants wars to end in its name.
Trust is essential for one soul to trust another soul.
Care not for mortal things.
When you become lost on your path dont look back, just keep going forward. You just found another way to your destination.
If someone offers you something dont take to pitty them, pitty them because they want you to take it.
Aka
The Passion

Waking up from the dream state I look around. I have been dreaming for a month. I knew along that like all dreams it was not real. Small things gave it away that it was not real small comments small gestures and small people I wanted to think that maybe it was my time and that the cursed heavens had finally released me. Its funny what you try to rationalize, knowing that your worst enemy, logic is always rearing its ugly head. I lied to myself more than once. I made myself think that it was a perfect situation and that I was one of the things that made it perfect. Deep down in side I knew the gilded mask that this situation wore covered rot. How can anyone be so naive, your senses do not lie to you. In fact they all scream at you to wake the hell up and get back to your training but for some reason this one fucked you up more than anyone before. You want to hate and you loose your discpline but you cant beecause you are part the problem. I woke up today. Making up my mind knowing that I have to walk this road again. Meh.... I violated my trust. The punishment will be grreat already I see it. The pain I feel for other people's suffereing is getting worse. (thats why I drink, to dull the pain of other people). I wanted so bad to save one person, one person who lied to me, one person who did not deserve to be saved, one person who did not want to be saved. I hate myself now. But like all these problems I have already buried over the years I woke up today ready to walk a new road. I have to continue for the rest and stop worrying about myself.... I am already dead.