This last week

I have to speculate that I am sad inside. Not of recent events but in general. I dont see the world getting any better and it hurts to know that whatever I do I can not change it. It reminds me of the super man analogy, when he tried to save the train from falling off of the broken section of the bridge, whatever he did he could not slow down the train in time before it fell of the bridge.

I am sad in general. I feel the failure of the past all creeping back into me. I feel the rot and their pervasive powers. I am becoming jaded and it hurts for that reason. No matter what I do, even if I have the time of my life for a night, if drink myself stupid to forget, or if I simply attempt to ignore it. Whatever it is always creeps into bed with me like the sucubs of folklore and infects me. I hurt and have no idea how to make it go away. I feel like I have let the world down, and I feel like in retaliation it will let me down. Now the aches in my heart and the emptiness bid me to return to slumber so that I may attempt to see the problems. The scary thing is that last night, i had a dream in which the final solution to my pain was for me to return to the marine corps and accept one of the most dangerous assignments. Only then was i content. Knowing that I wasnt coming back and accepting the fate that I had created formyself because in my world there is no fate, there is simply the influences and the actions of the individuals. Does this remind me of why I joined in the first place, well yes. I am just hurt and tired. So so tired. I need to sleep now. I will speak to many later.


P.S. I wish I could cry this away, and return to a point where i was just a bystander.

I hurt everywhere, mentally emotional physically i am drained and it wont get any better.